David: Would have preferred to see more of the Stella and Leanne stuff than the 'I didn't do it, waa-waah!' spiel
David: Wasted on a mediocre actress.
Tom: Ah... there is now ‘no signal’ for ITV1 with my Freeview box... though it has come back on now. The reception was a tad poor in the first episode, frankly...
Tom: It’s gone off again! Do you have a link to watch it online?
Tom: I'm onto the two infuriating adverts. Has it started again yet for you?
EPISODE 2 PART 1
David: Here we go...
David: Just about to, you should only miss 30 seconds, if that.
David: Straight to Fiz action.
David: Can't wait to meet Prisoner Burke.
David: Generic hard-man builder (Owen Armstrong).
David: Bought his business from Bill Webster (now departed).
David: His daughter (Katy, 17?) is pregnant with Chesney's child.
Tom: Ah, the sadly departed old Bill... A stout drinking pal of Big Jim Mc., as I do recall.
David: Not dead, just fucked off quietly.
Tom: So Fiz is an 'exemplary character', is she!?
David: Most ironically named baby in soap (Hope)?
David: They must be hoping viewers have short memories.
David: Who is this "Adam" of which everyone speaks?
David: Gail and Sally in the same scene?!!!
Tom: "I prefer to call them displaced people..." - who's the pseudo-earnest young lady in the red t-shirt?
David: Didn't see this coming!
David: Sophie's bird!
David: It's gonna be fine, apparently.
Tom: Ah, it was Sophie I meant... It has really been a while since I’ve watched this programme!
David: Who's this ‘Joe Bloggs’ of whom everyone speaks?!
Tom: Socialism is alive and well in the personage of Sophie Webster.
Tom: Truculent young colt, that David Platt.
David: David Platt Sex, ominous.
David: Roy: 'A laudable outlook'.
Tom: And it's... David Cameron entering, to break the bad news (as ever)...
Tom: Aye, I wouldn’t bet against it...
David: They really need to give this (semi)-miscarriage of justice stuff a rest.
David: What are the chances of a hat-trick?
Tom: As likely as Jimbo McDonald to pepper his sentences with a random “Catch yersel’ on” or conclude them with “So it is...”
David: More Stephen James McDonald after the break I hope.
Tom: Aye, I hope Steve will add to his previous 20 seconds of screen time in tonight's episodes.
David: Anyway, Fiz, I'm not sure the baby understood what you were promising her, anyway...
Tom: What was she promising the bairn?
David: She'd never leave her etc.
Tom: Ah, touching.
David: You noticed that these episodes are only 22 minutes long-ish. Fifteen minutes of ads an hour on British TV!
EPISODE 2 PART 2
Tom: Having probs with watching it online but it seems to be back on my normal TV... Hmmm.
David: Just trying to revive my stream.
David: Refresh, refresh!
Tom: No sound on the TV!
David: Black screen online, I want more ginger whimpering!
David: I'm getting bugger all here!
Tom: I have a silent film on my screen of a bleary eyed Fiz, wearing a yellow bib.
David: And it's burnt into your retina forever.
Tom: And now our supposed ‘do-gooders’.... in their red T-shirts. Moving stuff.
David: If I'm lucky, I may catch a solemn Fiz dropping tears onto a small photo of the sprog, and the credits.
Tom: What is going on with the ITV streaming? And indeed my TV. I don't even have a mute button to accidentally press. I have a picture but no sound, and neither online!
David: We can devote some of this blog bemoaning the shitness of this streaming.
Tom: I can just about make out that Dave Cameron (lookalike of, Fiz's solicitor?) is lecturing the Croppers...
David: Is he saying they're in this together?
Tom: Chez looks put out. Not a happy young gent.
David: It's like being blind.
Tom: David Platt and that ear-ringed young thing are getting intimate; yuck!
Tom: Gail and Sally have spied them over the fence, Gail with a glass of red wine in hand.
David: There can't be this much demand to watch episode 2:2?!!
Tom: A ticking off dispensed by the moral guardians of Wetherfield, methinks.
Tom: Some burly gent and Michelle Collins again.
Tom: Platty and missus are incredibly telegraphed People Not To Be Trusted. Actually, I think I am picking up more watching this silent than with the dialogue!
Tom: Never liked Leanne... Cannot quite put my finger on why – a sort of whiny surliness.
David: [Re: technical problems] I think this happened for the Manics at the iTunes Festival last night too.
David: Can only guess it's about to end?
Tom: Chez is all angry as hell. Hayley with t' baby, and Roy failing to calm things down. Plus a young brunette and another bearded man, unsure whether the Gervais one.
David: No Steve?
Tom: No Steve. Lamentable lack of Eyebrow Olympics.
Tom: Chez head in hands. Yep, it's coming to a close.
Tom: Fiz in tears in a cell, after looking at a picture of her baby.
David: Still think we should do a week of these, even if not live we can just ITV Player them simultaneously...
David: Hang on, did I not predict that ending!
Tom: The end was indeed almost exactly as you predicted.
David: Sound like a shite last ten minutes in all honesty!
David: Hope this makes up for it.
Tom: Ha! There's even one of him post-pulping by Jez Quigley...
David: LEGEND. The second, old school one with a full head of hair and a beard is sensational.
Tom: Yes, that is quite a gurn and an uncannily 1995 beard.
David: You HAVE to watch the scene where he got back from seeing Our Andy last week. And saw all Becky-fuelled hell breaking loose through the broken Rovers' window, comedy gold!
David: Watch it here, from about 20 mins in! I just pissed myself laughing at that again.
Tom: I've tried to fast-fwd and it's taken back to more adverts...................
Tom: Advert 3 of 6!!!
TWO DAYS LATER
David: OK, have a pause on the start of part two, just off to get my glasses.
David: Right, on title card now, tell me when to hit play...
Tom: I'm ready; play...
David: Demon Platt.
Tom: World-weary Gail: "Brainwashed, more like..." Sally talking popular clichés about "rocket scientists".
David: Creepy Gervais, as he will be known from here on now...
David: Corrie without humour is a bit of a drag.
Tom: Now, riveting Fiz-in-yellow-bib scenes (previously seen in silent mode)...
David: It's like Steve is carrying the comedy baton single-handedly.
David: This is like watching East Enders at its most tedious.
David: Tesco Value Salvation Army.
David: Will Roy ever run out of philosophical words of wisdom?
Tom: "I suspect she'd welcome our return", says Roy.
David: Yeah, I'd pass on duties to the Croppers over the naive 17 year olds, to be fair (Owen AKA 'Creepy Gervais) demanded Chesney and Katy relinquished Hope-duties to concentrate on Katy's pregnancy).
Tom: Indeed. Now, for the previously mentioned Platt and Kylie scene... Guetta and Akon - predictable musical backing!
David: No need!!!
David: Haven't seen Sally and Gail socialise for about 600 years.
David: This Stella-Leanne thing's been so rushed. Storylines either outstay their welcome or have the equilibrium restored in two episodes.
David: What does that entail?
Tom: "I had all these hopes... dreams..."
David: No one talks like this in real life.
Tom: Banal doesn't even cover it; or "touch the sides” as one of them has just said!
David: They'll be out together in the Trafford Centre next week (Leanne still not welcoming Stella's motherly affections).
Tom: Or is banal the word? Heightened, melodramatic banality? Certainly not a Pinteresque mastery of the banal.
David: It's not always this bad, it goes in stages.
David: Usually when one story arc has ended, it takes three months to build back up again.
Tom: "Might I suggest we take stock of the situation" - Roy ever the voice of calm...!
Tom: Very creepy Gervais here.
David: I hate the "any idiot/knobhead/cunt can make a baby" line.
David: And no Steve!
Tom: None, and yes, a rather bewildering and dull 44 minutes of television... I imagine it can be more entertaining; certainly the absurdity of the Rovers brawl in that episode you linked to.
David: That was amazing.
David: I think Steve's the only character I have any time for currently.
David: There was fuck all in that episode that made me anticipate Thursday's.
David: Can't believe I'm saying it but, I even miss Liz!
Tom: Perhaps so... Who's the landlady? Becky, I assume?
David: Becky still technically the landlady (still married to pub owner Steve, by a thread), Stella the manager
Tom: With crushingly predictable friction?
David: Yeah, as you may have seen in that brief scene from the other week, when Becky stormed back in and overruled the newly instated Stella.
David: (Referencing afore-mentioned clip) When the two bodies dive out of the Rovers in front of a bewildered Steve: that was fantastic
David: Even Craig Charles is leaving for a year!
Tom: It was... certainly proper Corrie absurdity.
David: I like Peter Barlow though.
David: But he's not on the sauce currently, so, yawn...
David: Cannot be arsed with months of courtroom Fiz-based melodrama.
David: 'AH DINT DO IT!!!'
David: We need a Spider or a Jez Quigley to shake up proceedings.
Tom: The Cuts hitting even the hallowed cobbles...? In that they are saving on new sets and scenarios by wheeling out the same police station, cell and courtroom sets they have always used!
Tom: Indeed, regarding the need for some wild-cards. The 1990s-era Street certainly had a few of those...
David: I'm sure Manchester or Rochdale Town Halls will make an appearance at some point, doubling up as something else!